Nothin’ could be finer…

As I type this, I am enjoying one of America’s most delicious combinations. Is it a movie and popcorn? Good porn and some lube? A Republican and illegal campaign donations scandal? Nay, I say neigh. These horses have been sexually abused.

Rather, I am eating Oreos and drinking milk; “Double Stuft” Oreos, to be precise, with a Land O Lakes “Grip’n Go Milk”, fat free skim (The contractions and misspellings are part of their marketability). Oreo really hit the nail on the head with their latest ad campaign, “Milk’s favorite cookie.” Sure, you can use milk to chase all kinds of delicacies: doughnuts, malted milk balls, cocktail sauce, etc. But, there really isn’t another cookie that you can dunk in milk that tastes nearly as good.

In actuality, I don’t actually “dunk?? Oreos; I’ve come by a strange habit for combining these cookies with delicious bovine lactose.

See, I used to dunk the Oreos directly into a glass filled with milk. But something that always bothered me about this process was that Oreo crumbs would naturally break off and collect in the bottom of the glass. Don’t ask me why it bothers me; it just does. I don’t have to defend my position (which happens to be sitting, at the moment); unlike Bush will be doing tonight. Another problem with dunking is you could potentially eat an entire bag of Oreos before running out of milk, since the cookies absorb very little even if you make a full dunk. Not to mention getting your fingers all milky in order to get the whole cookie wet.

You’re a sick fuck.

Anywho, in order to avoid all of the aforementioned adversities, I developed the following method:

1. Remove cookie from tray
2. Insert cookie into mouth
3. Masticate lightly
4. Lift glass
5. Open lips slightly
6. Pour milk into mouth
7. Enjoy the victuals of victory
8. You’re finished eating when the milk is gone
9. I like to use sound devices in my writing

Wolf Blizter just used the word “flavor” in reference to the atmosphere following the President’s entry into the Capitol Building.

God damn, I hate Wolf Blizter.


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January 2006
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